


sure we might be sinking (but you can save me, and i can save you, i think) so everything might be just fine

by beepbedeep



Category: Atypical (TV 2017)
Genre: F/F, and having feelings, casey starting school, i think!, like random and scattered thoughts from earlyish season 2?, this one is kind of nice!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2019-11-18
Packaged: 2021-02-08 10:17:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21474376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beepbedeep/pseuds/beepbedeep
Summary: Aside from any high and mighty ideas about change and growth – being new totally sucks. Casey is exactly five minutes in to Clayton and someone already hates her. It’s not like Casey’s a saint or anything, but she at least waits to hate people until she has a good reason. Izzie knows nothing about her beyond how fast she can run, Casey is sure of it, and that feels like an injustice.
Relationships: Casey Gardner/Izzie
Comments: 2
Kudos: 32





	sure we might be sinking (but you can save me, and i can save you, i think) so everything might be just fine

Casey wants to leave. Leave this town, leave this life. Yeah, come back for holidays and stuff, but she can’t stay here forever. She can’t. Her parents are a mess, and her brother’s great, she loves him, but he’s also this giant shadow sucking light from the rest of her life – they all are, and she’s so sick of being exactly who the people who have known her all her life expect her to be. 

That’s the real issue, she thinks. They are all changing, growing and falling and imploding and turning into new versions of themselves, and she wants to be steady, wants to be there for her family, but sometimes it feels like she’s been waiting for her turn to be a real person forever and it was easier before. Sure, there was a line of stuff that had to happen first and it was long, but once Sam was ready it was supposed to be her turn. And they were close, she thinks, it was almost her turn. 

But then people started skipping in line and Elsa fucked everyone over and Casey feels like she still hasn’t moved an inch. That’s why she runs, maybe. There are so many metaphors to read into running, but mostly Casey likes it because running makes her feel safe, moving when nothing else is, one single thing that doesn’t demand anything more than what she has to give. Unlike anything else, this is hers. Even in the thick of Sam’s therapies and groups, their parents always showed up to track meets. (and she usually won) 

So, yeah. There’s a lot of reasons she likes running, but somewhere deep down it must be that running is freedom. This is what freedom feels like. It’s a good feeling, but it’s becoming more and more apparent that running (really, really fast) is the closest to freedom Casey’s ever gonna be. The way her family’s looking, she can’t take off anytime soon. Casey might talk a good game about getting away, but she’s never really going. 

And that’s ok. Maybe. It’s ok because she likes her friends, because she’s really, really good at running and fine at everything else. Because she needs to take care of her dad. Because her brother needs some protection. Because Evan. He’s really the reason that sticking around doesn’t sound so abhorrent, not any more. Evan is fantastic, like really, actually just a good guy. He's patient and kind and funny and gets along with her insane family. He makes every single thing a little bit better, fits perfectly into her life. And he likes this town, with all its many, many imperfections. (Casey thinks maybe you just aren’t supposed to love some things forever, some things stop making sense.) So maybe she can learn to love it too. She likes him for sure, likes him so, so, so much – the way he smiles at her, the way he silently offers support. She deicides, after a while, that all these compounded layers of liking must be love, right?

(sometimes it feels like her whole life is teetering on the edge of a precipice. It all feels too good, too easy, just a little off. Casey’s a fighter but she’s afraid that her claws are getting dull.)  
She says I love you and he says that he loves her too. She doesn’t know what else love would be. What it could feel like, so this seems easy. She likes him a lot so she loves him. Easy. So she runs, and teases Sam, and kisses Evan and waits for something to happen that tips everything over the edge. 

It happens, as many things do, in short bursts, jumps and starts. Sophomore year aka the-year-Elsa-ruins-everything. Sure, Casey’s selfish too, because everyone is, but at least she tries to take care of her family. Family is IMPORTANT – Elsa's the one who hammered that into her head, into her bones. Casey doesn’t understand how she could do this. This turns into something of a theme in her life – not understanding. Casey doesn’t understand why she gets a scholarship (except that she does, because she’s a good runner) and she doesn’t understand how her parents are so broken, (except that she’s been watching them break for years.) 

Somehow, by the end of winter break she’s saying goodbye to her track team, her coach, her friends, is eating pizza for dinner every night because that’s what her dad has time to get, and is starting at a whole new school. She didn’t want any of this (except that maybe she did because she’s here now and some of the insanity is out of her control, but at some point she definitely said yes) Evan is worried, she can tell, but he’s not putting it onto her, he knows she’s worried about enough other things, and she likes him so much for that. 

She's scared, terrified actually. A new school is more adjusting and she doesn’t need more of that, but there’s a whisper in the back of her head that this might actually be the good kind of change. Evan hugs her the night before she leaves, and it’s nice but for a moment she feels like a shadow or a ghost, like everyone in her life is looking in her place for a girl that doesn’t really exist anymore. Her world is changing, will be changing, and at some point she will have to shift her footing or the world will leave her behind. She’s way too fast to let that happen. 

Aside from any high and mighty ideas about change and growth – being new totally sucks. Casey is exactly five minutes in to Clayton and someone already hates her. It’s not like Casey’s a saint or anything, but she at least waits to hate people until she has a good reason. Izzie knows nothing about her beyond how fast she can run, Casey is sure of it, and that feels like an injustice. (for whatever reason, this girl is not getting away from Casey that easily)

Maybe it’s silly to be so concerned about making friends with the rest of Clayton’s team, but it’s still her life. Besides, leaving her old team was the hardest part about this. Running is Casey's language, it’s how she experiences the world for better or worse and she can understand Izzie’s concerns about ability, but they aren’t going to be friends.   
Except, of course, that they are. Very best friends.


End file.
